sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
