I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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