Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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