Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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