Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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