sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
