Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
