I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
