He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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