So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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