Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
