Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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