judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
