:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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