I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
