On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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