my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
