Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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