Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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