i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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