Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
