I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
