I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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