i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
