Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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