I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
