Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
