Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
