you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
