im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
