i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
