Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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