Your tits are I can't wait for
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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