my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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