so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
