I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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