I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
