I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
