I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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