i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
