i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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