I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
