I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
