So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
