That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He told me they were just razor bumps!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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