you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
