You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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