go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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