Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
