plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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