i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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