She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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